NAME AND SHAME

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs doesn't normally advocate violence - we're firm believers that the pen IS mightier than the sword, and that he who lives by the sword dies by the sword. Plus we don't like pain, and unless Wilkinsons have invented a pain-free sword we'd rather say a great big 'NO!' to having one stuck into us. Of course, by living in South Londonshire that choice has, to a great extent, been taken away from us.

However, there are occasions when some violence is obviously and completely justified, and an obvious and completely justified slapping is due to a great big bunch of people called 'Parents'.

Now, obviously we're not talking about all parents. We aren't bigots. No. We had some parents ourselves and they were lovely people. So we'll qualify the target group a little. See if you can figure it out from this:



Now, let's make it clear, this guy is not a figure of fun. He should not be a target for ridicule. He's a genuine, bona fide hero. And yet, can you imagine what it's like to have to go through life as Dick Head? We hope he gets promoted soon if only so that he won't be 'Major Dick Head' - although the danger still exists that one day he'll be known as 'General Dick Head'. (Do we really need to mention he was 'Private Dick Head' at some point? No? Thought not.)

We blame the parents. What were they thinking? Were they REALLY so naive as to not realise what they were lumbering their son with? Frankly, we can only be thankful that the Major is a disciplined and honourable man; a lesser man might have found a target or two closer, oh so very, very much closer to home.

Now this isn't just a random occurence, a one-off coincidence. When The Wifey went to school she became friends with some brothers with the surname Ness. Andrew and Peter. So far, so innocent, you might think in your cotton-wooly baa-lamb way. But let me crack open the mint sauce for you, my dear little lambikins. Just think how they'll see their names for the rest of their lives, just you read these aloud:

Mr A Ness

Mr P Ness

To misquote Ian Fleming, "Once is coincidence, twice is a good hard slapping". Really.

Actually, that quote should really be "Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, but three times is enemy action".

Three times is enemy action, eh?

So let's look at our third set of parents, Heath and Deborah Campbell. Heath and Deborah made the news recently when they tried to get a birthday cake made for their three year old son. All they wanted was it to say "Happy Birthday" followed by his name, and that's when the store refused. Why? Well, the shop's representative said "We believe the request to inscribe a birthday wish to Adolf Hitler is inappropriate."

Yep, that's right. Adolf Hitler.

They named their son Adolf Hitler.

We'll give you a second to rub your eyes and close your mouth again.

That's a whole new, super-improved, beats-the-rest kind of stupid there, isn't it? You kind of get the impression that if this pair of parents put their heads close either side of yours you'd hear the ocean. In stereo.

Now, we're not the kind of folks that thinks that because someone looks like someone that was evil or happens to have the same name as someone evil, that therefore they too must be evil, and we're not for a minute suggesting that young Adolf Hitler IS in any way evil, dangerous or disturbed...

...but in 20 years time if you heard he'd shot his parents, well... you wouldn't really be surprised, would you?


Oh, by the way, he has two sisters - Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie and Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation. Again, yes, seriously.

Their oh-so-brave father, Heath Campbell - that's HEATH CAMPBELL without a hint of Nazism in his name - said "I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past. There's a new president and he says it's time for a change; well, then it's time for a change, they need to accept a name. A name's a name. The kid isn't going to grow up and do what (Hitler) did."

Yeah, you hope. You didn't exactly steer him away from it though, did you Heath?

So Heath reckons he's making a political point - but why make it with his kid's name? Why not stand up for that ideal yourself, HEATH? Why not change YOUR name, HEATH? Why give your child years of hassle and abuse while he's not even old enough to understand what you're doing? If you're so convinced you're in the right, HEATH, why not go change your own name legally? Eh, HEATH?

Or were you too worried you might get some of the hassle your little boy might get?


Phshaw.

Parents!


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