THE BEST EXAMPLE OF IT'S KIND

By Two Legs Good

There are times you know you've missed out on something special. Going back to the shop where we spotted this only to find it had already been sold was definitely one of them. After all, no home could surely be complete without:



What do you mean, "What is it?" - well, isn't that perfectly obvious?

It's a clock. A pendulum clock, at that. All mounted on a huge imitation marble plinth. A giant plinth. A prince of plinths.

With, of course, a built-in faux Louis XIV style telephone. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

And you couldn't have that without a separate ornamental puch-button fake-dialler keypad now, could you. Ha, they've thought of that already, and supplied one covered, like the phone, in brassy plastic.

And in case you get bored just watching the pendulum while you yap away on the phone, there's entertainment! A torpedo-shaped water-tank with swirling tornado effect, and a couple of plastic fish to spin around in it!

Oh, and we musn't forget the shiny chrome Art Deco lamp-dome on the top. That's it just under the lightning-conductor.

Yes, the lightning-conductor.

No, really. Look:



If we see one again, we're having it. It's obviously the best example of it's kind... unless, as dear old Esther, may she rest in peace, used to say, unless you know better...


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THE ADAMS FAMILY

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs has to doff it's cap to Gerry Adams. You'd think that being President of Sinn Féin, a member of the Northern Ireland Assembly, and a well-liked public speaker, as well as being credited as one of the driving forces behind the current peace in Ireland would be enough for one man.

But not Gerry Adams!

Not content with that on his CV, he's embraced the decommisioning process - out have gone the guns and bombs, and in come the little arrows.

Gerry is now out to conquer the world of darts - OK, so he's added a couple of pounds like darts players do, and he's had to tidy up the hair a bit now he's out meeting a few more fans these days, but here he is in action below at the recent BDO Lakeside World Darts Championship...



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WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

By Two Legs Good

We here at The Blog With Two Legs recently noticed that they've started making tampons with Aloe Vera. We looked it up on Wikipedia, and it says that one of the properties of Aloe Vera is that it helps gashes and open wounds to heal.

That can't be right, surely?

Mind you, we've often wondered why women get thrush infections. We've never understood why they don't notice a pair of nesting birds coming and going from their pants on a regular basis. At the very least, you'd think that the dawn chorus would give the game away.

Apparently yoghurt is good for getting rid of the unwanted thrush though, and we can verify that ourselves. When we recently re-seeded the lawn we kept a dozen pots of Sainburys Low-Fat Natural Greek by the window to throw at them when they came down for a feed.

Works on starlings and pigeons too.


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KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

By Two Legs Good

Or, alternatively (especially if you're UK Home Secretary Jacqui Smith):



Apparently we can all find out how scared we're meant to be right now from the Home Office site.


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NOT-MOTHER'S DAY!

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs supposes today will become known as Not-Mother's Day to Jade Goody's kids.


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GOLDEN SHOWER

By Two Legs Good

'The Apprentice' starts again next week on BBC One with a new golden shower of contestants. One contestant has left already after - as Sir Alan Sugar puts it - 'bottling it'.

The Blog With Two Legs expects that the rest of the task after 'bottling it' was to 'brand it' and then 'sell it' to an unsuspecting but thirsty public.

Sir Alan says "there was nothing sinister about it".

But would you buy a lemonade from these men?


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DEAL OR NO DEAL? NO DEAL!

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs remains sceptical about Noel Edmonds and the 'Cosmic Ordering' scheme. We Cosmically Ordered an inflatable paddling pool and a pepperoni pizza with pineapple last Thursday, and haven't seen either of them yet.

We definitely won't be tipping.

Be that as it may, whether it's due to Cosmic Ordering or a flashback to the Multicoloured Swap Shop,
The Blog With Two Legs can't see this rather optimistic swap happening any time soon.

Now, over to Cheggers...


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MEN OF ENGLAND - REJOICE!

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs expects they'll be ringing their church bells and doing their little Morris dances on their Village Greens after hearing this news.


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MAKING THE NEWS

By Two Legs Good

Having looked over the headlines this morning we can see there's not much to cheer the country up.

There is, of course, one headline conspicuous by it's absence.

One headline we're all waiting for.

One headline that will grab the nation.

That headline?


GOODY DIES AT LAST!


Now, we here at The Blog With Two Legs are always willing to take the cow by the udders and do our patriotic duty by milking a story to death. So, we've got ourselves a bolt-gun and are ready to go and finish the job ourselves. We just can't wait for nature to take it's course.

So... has anybody got Bill Oddie's address?


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