FREE SWINE FLU TEST

By Two Legs Good

As noted by the World Health Authority in their press release last night, several of the mutated versions are now capable of infecting PCs. If your PC is connected to the Internet (and if you're reading this, it is), please make sure your anti-virus software is up to date and enabled.

As a public service, The Blog With Two Legs has embedded a Swine Flu test in this article. Please wait 20 seconds for the results.






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TWENTY CONVERSATIONS - Number 1

By Two Legs Good

There are times when The Blog With Two Legs has a conversation that makes us pray for someone to invent a button on your phone that you can press to administer a good hard slap or three to whoever you're talking to.

It's not just that whoever-it-is is head-achingly stupid, it's that they draw you into their own weird world of stupidity with them.

Don't try this at home.


Number 1: People That Don't Believe They've Got The Wrong Number.


* RING *

"Hello?"

"Hi, can I speak to Steve?"

"Sorry, no - there's nobody called Steve here. You must have the wrong number."

"You're not Steve?"

"No, I'm not Steve, there's no Steve here, you've got the wrong number."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm VERY sure I'm not Steve.”

“Oh, you're not Steve?”

“That's right, I'm NOT Steve, and I don't know Steve. You've got the wrong number, OK? Bye."

"Uh, hold on, what number is that?"

"Well, you should know, you dialled it!"

"Is that 02702 8455629?"

"No"

"Are you sure?"

"YES!"

"So what number is it?"

"NOT THE ONE YOU WANTED - YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER!"

"Do you know what number I can get hold of Steve on?"

* CLICK *



{ PAUSE }



* RING *

"Hello?"

"Hi, can I speak to Steve?"

"No, you STILL have the wrong number. OK?"

"Isn't that 02702 8455629 this time?"

"NO! YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER! DON'T JUST HIT REDIAL!"

* CLICK! *



{ PAUSE }



* RING *

"YES?"

"Oh"

* click *


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SOMETIMES YOU CAN BE JUST TOO MOIST

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs is sure that you recall your Bible studies with ease; how some of the Cities of the Plains, Sodom and Gomorrah, were destroyed by the ever-tetchy Old Testament God because of their wickedness. Mind you, it probably serves them right for hanging about in Genesis.

According to the reports there's been a huge downpouring of rain in one specific area of the West Country last night, leading to a flood. If the BBC is right, maybe God's up to his old tricks again:



Perhaps some locals down there can help The Blog With Two Legs out with this - is Randy St Ives a Cornish porn star, or their new slogan to attract tourists?


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CHINESE PRIORITIES

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs can't help but wonder... if our Chinese Chums put as much effort into spelling as they do to oppressing Tibet, maybe things like this wouldn't happen:




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PHIL SPECTOR'S LATEST HIT

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs is ever so ever so proud to present a

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!:

PHIL SPECTOR'S LATEST HIT!





We're sure it's going to shoot straight to the top of the charts.


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LIVING TV'S HIT

By Two Legs Good

Ahhhh, Living TV... the most ironically-named television channel ever, given that huge chunks of it are given over to supposedly contacting the dead.

(And no, we're not being sarcastic about the audience here - they're not technically dead given that they're still breathing and grazing.)

No, Ouija TV - sorry, Living TV - relies on the unquiet dead to fill their schedules and attract the dead-from-the-neck-up. Have a look at just some of their programmes:

* Living With The Dead
* Most Haunted
* Most Haunted Live
* Ghost Hunters
* Ghost Hunters International
* Ghost Whisperer
* 6ixth Sense with Colin Fry
* The Psychic Detective
* John Edward: Cross Country
* Paranormal State
* Haunting Evidence

There's a bit of a trend going on there, we're sure you'll agree. There is another trend that perhaps you might notice with Living TV though:

* What Jade Did Next
* Jade's Salon
* Just Jade
* Jade's PA
* Living with Jade Goody
* Jade
* Jade's Cancer Battle

The Blog With Two Legs would like to go on record here and now - we think we have the ultimate programme for Living TV, merging what seems to be their two favourite themes, and we welcome their contact to open negotiations over the rights to:

JADE GOODY - BACK FROM THE GRAVE!



Perhaps we could start with a seance in Jade's (Haunted) Mansion... well let's face it, she can't exactly do a comeback tour or anything, and Jack Tweedy won't be around for the next few weeks either.

This has got 'WINNER' written all over it!
(Michael Winner, that is - Ken Russell wouldn't touch her with someone else's bargepole.)


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HOW TO ACHIEVE PEACE WITH NORTH KOREA

By Two Legs Good

The Blog With Two Legs can't help but notice that there seems to be an air of international tetchiness regarding North Korea. Several countries, especially Japan, seem to have collective ants in their pants about the Great Leader, Kim Jong-il, and his people letting off a giant squib, leading to a bit of a brou-ha-ha.

But when it comes to pouring oil on troubled waters, we like to think that The Blog With Two Legs would be the first to strap gelignite to the rig legs and press the detonator button - so here's our plan.


What we need to do is send Kim Jong-il a kitten.

Every single one of us.

A warm, fuzzy, cute little kitten.

Firstly, if we all send the Great Leader a kitten and he ends up with hundreds, thousands, even millions of kittens, he'll be so busy writing thank you notes, pouring bowls of milk and rescuing them from the top of the curtains in the front room that he won't have any time for World Domination plans anymore.

Secondly, when he gets photographed it'll be with... loads of kittens! Now, who could be scared of that? You can't tell me that Japan, the nation that invented Hello Kitty, is going to stay annoyed with the Great Leader of Kittens!

(He used to be known as the "Dear Leader", and now the "Great Leader". This could be a crucial new lucky and auspicious third nickname for him - the "Pussy Leader".)

Thirdly, - and you can probably spot how neatly this all hangs together by now, always the sign of a top-quality plan - thirdly, North Korea can relax about their weapons programme. After all, who would be dastardly enough to threaten a nation with a kitten shield? Who would hurt the widdle kiddens?

Convincing, isn't it? And yet so deceptively simple!

We're glad you approve.


Send your kitten to:
Send your kitten to:xxxxx Great Leader Kim Jong-il
Send your kitten to:xxxxx The Palace
Send your kitten to:xxxxx Pyongyang
Send your kitten to:xxxxx North Korea




*** UPDATE ***


HOW TO ACHIEVE PEACE WITH NORTH KOREA PART 2


*** UPDATE ***



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WHAT'S IN A NAME?

By Two Legs Good

For what seems like an eternity we've been getting bombarded with tedious adverts from Norwich Union, trying to convince us that there's a good reason to change their name to Aviva. Not exactly the best name in reliability or stylishness - mention it to any chap whose father had the soundalikey Vauxhall dullmobile in the '70s and they'll be instantly reminded of the shame when the other kids asked what car their dad drove and they had to blushingly mumble "A Viva...".

As a brand name Aviva isn't so bad - if it was for something like, say, sanitary towels or a cheap European air freshener. Personally, I can't think of it without mentally hearing it being said by Speedy Gonzales: "¡Aviva! ¡Aviva! ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale!"

(And was I the only one that grew up wondering why a Mexican Mouse was constantly touting carpeting accessories - "Underlay! Underlay!"?)

Apparently the head of this campaign has previously been involved in such popular renamings as Opal Fruits (Made to make your mouth water!) being turned into the dire "Starbursts", and even worse - Marathons becoming the hatefully named "Snickers".

Despite all that they press on with the brain-numbing advertising campaign that's estimated to cost between £9 million and £12 million and stars Bruce Willis, Alice Cooper and Ringo Starr, a man apparently so busy that he no longer has time to sign his own name. All names, I'm sure you'll agree, that make you instantly think of buying insurance.

Think of it - £12,000,000, and that's before they have to change the signs on the buildings, their adverts, their letterheaded paper, business cards, and so on.

Then think about their news today that they're about to get rid of 1,100 of their staff. How many annual salaries does that name change represent?

300? 400? 500?

How many of those 1,100 people's jobs could have been saved using the money behind this name-change? How many? How many? How many?

The adverts say "A change of name is not just a change of name, it is a chance to show the world what you've always wanted to be."


Hey, Aviva... I think the world knows exactly what you are already!


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A NICE BIT OF STONE-CLADDING ©™

By Two Legs Good



We like to think that The Blog With Two Legs gets about a bit, and there's nothing more fun on a drive around dreary Londonshire than a game of "Nice Bit Of Stone-Cladding! ©™"

The rules are ever so simple, so simple that even Lewis Hamilton could grasp them after a few days. He might not be able to stick to them - he is easily misled, apparently - but he might understand them.

As you drive along, simply scan the streets for one of these abomihomes and call out, in a drippingly sarcastic tone, "Mmmmm!
Nice Bit Of Stone-Cladding!" ©™". Keep score, first to call out the phrase wins the point, and highest score wins.

They're easy to spot, even at speed. We'd say they stick out like sore thumbs, but even thumbs that are incredibly sore don't stick out as much as a house with a Nice Bit Of Stone-Cladding!" ©™. Obviously some areas yield richer points scores - Croydon and the Harrow-Wembley corridor seem particularly rife with the infection.



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