MICHAEL JACKSON COMMEMORATIVE SNUFF PLATE

By Two Legs Good

Crafted in China to fairly precise standards, this fine Michael Jackson Commemorative Snuff Plate is offered to the discerning collector and completist fan by MMTS Offers.


It was miraculous how, only minutes after he heard of the Blessed Michael's passing, the Managing Director of MMTS Offers, Patrick Dough, launched this project. Patrick is a long-time business acquaintance of Michael's, and issued this statement:

"Michael was unique, you never knew what he'd do next. You know he gave everyone a nickname, right? Because my name is Patrick, and he couldn't pronounce Patrick, he called me "P". I loved it! "P"! Just "P"! Ha! And I was constantly amazed by his collections - funfair rides, animals, all sorts of memorabilia. He collected everything! Even all of our business transactions, he documented and kept every scrap of paper, every note, in meticulous, immaculate files. Oh yes, often after I'd been at his house for a meeting with him, I'd find him afterwards absorbed in his P Dough file affairs."

Yurin Smeller, Jackson's pet psychobabblist and pseudo-psychic sidekick said:

"The Mystical Manufacture of this fine genuine antique-style porcelainite plate can weave a web of Jackson-Smeller Magic. Just hold it in your hands and concentrate. Put one fingertip on the edge of the plate, close your eyes and relax. Just keep pushing your fingertip firmly on the rim and remember the magic of Michael. It's what he would have wanted!"

In accordance with Michael's life, small children have been involved at every stage in the production of this plate, from the mining of the raw materials through to the final packing. It's what he would have wanted.

Never before has such a sumptuous plate depicting Michael been offered to the general public. This will be a strictly limited edition with numbers set depending on public response.

If YOU want to register interest in purchasing such a plate, please send your name, address, date of birth and full bank details to mmts@theblogwithtwolegs.co.uk

If you only buy one Michael Jackson Commemorative Snuff Plate to celebrate the death of the King of Pap, make sure it's the BEST Michael Jackson Commemorative Snuff Plate - the MMTS Michael Jackson Commemorative Snuff Plate!




P.S. - More Michael Jackson posts HERE!


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MICHAEL JACKSON COMMEMORATION

By Two Legs Good

Rumour has it that Marks & Spencers, owners of the 'St Michael' brand name, are to commemorate the passing of Michael Jackson.



Children's skirts, shorts and underwear are to be down all next week.



P.S. - More Michael Jackson posts HERE!



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MICHAEL JACKSON - POST MORTEM RESULTS

By Two Legs Good

Rumour has it that the Post-Mortem report will reveal that the mystery doctor on hand last night was Jackson's latest cosmetic surgeon.

He'd left Jackson with a surgery catalogue, and the instruction to "pick his nose".

Unfortunately Jackson took him literally, and his head caved in.




P.S. - More Michael Jackson posts HERE!


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SO MICHAEL JACKSON GOES TO HEAVEN...

By Two Legs Good


Jesus knows what you did... and he's NOT HAPPY!



P.S. - More Michael Jackson posts HERE!



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MICHAEL JACKSON - DEAD OR ALIVE?

By Two Legs Good

Reports are reaching The Blog With Two Legs that renowned kiddie-dangler Michael Jackson has died. As a mark of respect, we dedicate this wreath of black noses to him:

click to enlarge


Over 300 noses were hand-picked for freshness to make this.

It's what he would have wanted. God knows he tried often enough.



Mind you, it is a bit suspicious, isn't it?


He's just been selling tickets for a comeback show, so there's a lot of cash sloshing about in his name at the moment.

For a lot of the last few years has been living out in the likes of Bahrain where they're used to loads of weirdly-sculpted artificial things - just look at all the bizarre islands they build out there.

Hmmmm...

Now, if I wanted to live a quiet but opulent life out of the way for the rest of my years, I'd probably want to raise a bunch of cash and buy a made-to-measure private island.

Hmmmm...

You could always put a dummy in the coffin. After all, even if someone comes up, taps the face and says "Hey! It's plastic!" - who'd be surprised?

Hmmmm...

I'm just saying...

A man with a plastic face.



P.S. - OI! URI! You didn't predict THAT one, did you?



P.P.S. - More Michael Jackson posts HERE!



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SWINE FLU UPDATE - GP HEALTH RISK

By Two Legs Good

You know that The Blog With Two Legs always has your best interests at heart, so with that in mind we bring you - and in particular the people of Croydon - this little nugget of medical nonsense.

If you're in the UK you'll know how the UK Government has spent a fortune telling us to be particularly hygienic at the moment with Swine Flu knocking about. Coincidentally, local hospitals (such as Croydon's Mayday) have been criticised for lack of hygiene.

So with all that in mind, we'd like to show you something The Blog With Two Legs can't see as anything other than bonkers - completely, unhygienically bonkers! Just for comparison, we'll look at the supposedly unhygienic Mayday too.



MAYDAY HOSPITAL


A CROYDON GP SURGERY

  • A major point of contact for sick and infected people.



  • A major point of contact for sick and infected people.







  • At the hospital and ward entrances?
    HANDWASHING FACILITIES.



  • At the surgery entrance?
    A TOUCH-SCREEN BOOK-IN SYSTEM.


  • Everyone entering the hospital, or any ward, is asked to use the handwash to clean their hands before they touch anything else.



  • Everyone entering the surgery is asked to touch the screen that dozens, if not hundreds, of other sick people have also just been touching.


  • Helps kill germs other people might be carrying.



  • Helps spread other people's germs to you.


  • Helps kill germs you might be carrying.



  • Helps spread your germs to other people.


  • Less infection likely.



  • More infection likely.


  • Benefits - less infected people, so less suffering, less risk of disease and death, and less work for the medical staff.



  • Benefit - people book themselves in so the doctors know they're there, so less work for the receptionists, and errr... ummm... well, that's about it.



With that sort of thinking you'd be tempted to think that the local GPs have a vested interest in having more patients getting ill - after all, despite government warnings, they're pretty much encouraging us to spread and share our germs around!


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INSIDE INFORMATION

By Two Legs Good

The human subconscious is an astounding thing. Capable of insights we never realise, of blocking thoughts and memories, of ascribing motives and excuses for our behaviour, even raising psychosomatic symptoms that seem like real illnesses caused by external factors. Frankly, you just never know what it'll get up to next.

Sometimes our subconscious alters our reality a little, sends us messages if you like. That vague feeling of unease when we're talking to a colleague (because they remind our subconscious of the school bully), an irrational fear of spiders (because they killed 'our' Doctor Who when we were 10 years old), and so on.

With anxiety, with stress, our subconscious can even induce palpitations, sweats, nausea, and panic attacks. And now The Blog With Two legs has just met a man who reckons his subconscious is sending him messages - by Morse Code!

If you look at the picture on the left you can see that there's a series of dents or pits, all a regular 5mm apart. The oldest one at the top of the nail is broad and slim, whereas the other three are smaller and round.

Dash, dot, dot, dot:


So what is the message?

Well, nails grow at about 0.1mm a day, so even a short message like "You left the oven on" (or "-.-- --- ..- | .-.. . ..-. - | - .... . | --- ...- . -. | --- -." in Morse) could take over 6 years!


We'll keep you posted...


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TACTFUL, GOOGLE... VERY TACTFUL

By Two Legs Good

Now, The Blog With Two Legs is advertising-free. We like it that way, it means we don't have to kowtow to The Man, we can write what we want, offend who we like, and generally not give a stuff. Great!

We also know that there are businesses out there that rely on advertising to pay the bills, and that's fine too.

Surely to goodness though, sometimes... sometimes it's just not appropriate to add advertising, is it?

Especially when the advert isn't placed thoughtfully and carefully by a real live advertising 'executive', but pooped out automatically by some witless brainless soulless web-integrated robot that only cares about how many eyeballs scan their admucktising copy.

(OK, OK, that's an infinitesmally tiny distinction that might not actually exist in real life, but let's just run with it for now, yes?)

Anyway, first nominee for the The Blog With Two Legs 2009 Tact In Advertising Award is GOOGLE, for these two beauties:




(Thanks, Andy!)


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SWAMP MONSTER CAPTURED ON FILM

By Two Legs Good

Exciting news for cryptozoologists on Thursday as a real live swamp monster was spotted rising from the depths! The shaggy-furred beast was caught on film sploshing about in the depths of the River Pool, in Lewisham, England:



Luckily BBC reporters were on hand to film the clumsy and strangely-haired being, who has been nicknamed "BoJo".


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