ADDICT QUEEN CORNERS BIRTHDAY MARKET

By Two Legs Good

Today is Maundy Thursday, a day when the Queen celebrates the memory of the Last Supper by a ceremonial 'giving of alms'. The BBC will be, as they say, covering the celebration. They have Nicholas Witchell eagerly reporting from an open-air platform in Westminster.

Apparently - and we must respect his inside knowledge on this one, for he is BBC News' Royal Correspondent - the Queen will distribute small bags of coins to a group of elderly citizens 'as part of the Maundy Thursday celebrations, and this is the first time it's coincided with her 85th birthday'.

Really?

How many 85th birthdays has this woman had?

We know that the Queen has a real birthday, then another set day each year as the state-recognised 'official' birthday. That's two birthdays a year, 100% more than most people, and a whopping 700% more than folks born on February 29.

Already one of the richest women in the world, according to Witchell she's not just contant with that, she's now celebrating her 85th birthday every year. Presumably that means she celebrates the other 84 of them too, so she's now spending an astonishing 1 in 4 days celebrating her birthdays!

Does Witchell not realise the harm this sort of information can do? All it takes is a leak like this from a favoured insider such as him, and the fashion is set. Soon royalists everywhere will be celebrating birthdays every week, and Great Britain will soon smother itself beneath a blanket of wrapping paper, gorged on cake and cava, and worrying about who they sent that obscene drunken phone-cam picture to.

Admitedly, there have been rumours and clues of her addiction for some time now. Addicts always find some sneaky way to feed their addiction that the rest of us won't notice unless we're looking for it:

Her Madge... never far from a good Cake-Hat.


We implore the House of Windsor, the Royal Family, to stage an intervention... for the sake of the nation, this madness must stop!


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