Italian hot-stuff premier Silvio Berlusconi was recently quoted in The Sunday Times as saying:
'When asked if they would like to have sex with me, 30% of women said ‘Yes’, while the other 70% replied: ‘What, again?’ '
Since reading that quote, I have been able to think of little else. I have literally lost sleep over it. I have even skim-read his Wikipedia entry to find out more about this modern day Casanova. You see, this statistic (and I assume a full scientific study of which Ben Goldacre would approve was conducted in order to quantify this result) has deep and far reaching implications; not only for me, but all women the world over.
Silvio Berlusconi is The Sexiest Man On The Planet.
Let me say that again: Silvio Berlusconi is The Sexiest Man On The Planet.
He must be. I mean, can you think of anyone else so universally desired?
I know women who’d turn them down but I honestly cannot think of any other man whom 100% of women want to or have already shagged. That’s quite something. There’s no 'Undecided' group, no 'Errrr haven’t really thought about it' group, and no (heaven forbid) 'Yikes! Definitely not!' group. It’s a fact that all women either want to have sex with Silvio Berlusconi, or if they’ve already done it, want to do it again.
So this leads me to what has caused me so much lost sleep. It’s what I like to call 'The Shagger’s Conundrum'.
Women worldwide fall into one of two groups: Group A are the women that would like to have sex with him, and Group B are the women that have already had sex with him and (therefore) want more sex with him.
When a woman in Group A shags Silvio Berlusconi, she moves to Group B. As a member of Group B, it becomes increasingly likely that she will shag Silvio Berlusconi again because
(1) she’ll want to (see the rules of being in Group B), and
(2) he’ll want to (see the rules of Being Silvio Berlusconi. You can probably google them, or something. )
Since Silvio Berlusconi is always on the look-out for girls in Group A to shag (again, refer to the rules of Being Silvio Berlusconi) this means that the amount of shagging he has to do just to keep up (no pun intended) increases exponentially. Just think of an uncontrolled nuclear reaction and you’ve got the right idea.
However, when we take into account the fact that the world’s population is expanding at a faster rate than Silvio Berlusconi can move girls from Group A to Group B and keep girls in Group B happy, his relative shag-rate actually decreases over time.
If we also take into account age-related factors of male virility, his relative shag-rate decreases yet further.
Initially this shouldn’t be a problem because the effects shouldn’t be too noticeable. Unfortunately, as time goes on demand will exceed supply by larger and larger margins, making 'bed time with Berlusconi' an increasingly valuable commodity.
We have seen the effects of demand out weighing supply, and it always ends in a big ugly fight where people get badly hurt.
In the case of Silvio Berlusconi, The Sexiest Man On The Planet, it can only end in Total Global Apocalypse and if the end of the world is nigh, I know what I want to do...
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