HOW TO ACHIEVE PEACE WITH LIBYA

By Two Legs Good

A little while ago when North Korea was being a bit tiresome, we encouraged all you wonderful readers to send Kim Jong-il a kitten immediately (HOW TO ACHIEVE PEACE WITH NORTH KOREA), and then also threatened to unleash the Deadly Assassin Killer Kittens on him (HOW TO ACHIEVE PEACE WITH NORTH KOREA PART 2). You'll note that North Korea is barely mentioned in the news these days.

You're welcome!

Now, however, it looks like we need to find a way to put Libya's equivalent of Simon Cowell, Muammar Gaddafi, on the naughty step.

Muammar Gaddafi


What to do, what to do?

Well, if music has charms to soothe a savage breast, we here at The Blog With Two Legs are always ready to turn everything up to 11. We know you won't tell anyone, so here's the plan:

As you'd expect, our crack team of SAS-trained Deadly Assassin Killer Kittens have already infiltrated Libya, and returned with vital intelligence about Gaddafi and his habits.

Undercover Kittens

The biggest problem is getting past Gaddafi's Amazonian Guard, an all-female elite cadre of bodyguards also known as "Gaddafi's Angels". They've been trained in all manner of situations, and to react to the slightest sight or sound without thinking.

Gaddafi with Amazonian Guard


However, the far-sighted William Congreve provided us with the solution in The Mourning Bride:

Musick has Charms to sooth a savage Breast,
To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak.
I've read, that things inanimate have mov'd,
And, as with living Souls, have been inform'd,
By Magick Numbers and persuasive Sound.


And there's the key! The Magic Numbers! As luck would have it Ealing's own cheeky, chipper popsters are, according to our undercover mogspys, Gaddafi's favourite band!

Wacky chart-botherers

From there on, it's easy! We simply get The Magic Numbers to go play for Gaddafi and his retinue. He spends enough time dressed up as Michael jackson, he won't say no to going to a gig. They play a few of their snazzy tunes, and then slip in a new number - the persuasive sound of "Yakety Sax"!

We know from some of the Gaddafi's Angels' training videos that they're trained to react to that in one way - that their leader's place has been taken over by an imposter, and they must kill the doppelganger. The chase is on!

Gaddafi's Angels Training Video

Just in case that goes wrong, in the confusion we smuggle in one of the even-more elite Deadly Assassin Killer Kittens Kamikaze Squad to finish off the job. Obviously, we've had to obscure their identity for security reasons.

Kamikazi Kitten


Again - you're welcome!



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