By Misty

I am not a happy bunny this morning. As Royal Wedding Correspondent for The Blog With Two Legs I have to write about the blasted event in the run up to The Big Day.

Let me make my stance clear:

1. I don’t care much for weddings, especially when more than 10 people are involved.

2. I don’t care much for the Royal Family.

So now that I’ve got that off my chest, it seems blindingly obvious to me that Prince William should have married what’s-her-name years ago. No, not Britney Spears…the other one… the brunette. Oh you know who I mean.

About ten years ago, when he still had a full head of hair, it was ok for teenage girls to fancy him. It was ok because teenage girls normally fancy the type of 'men' (in quotation marks because teenage girls never fancy proper men – they fancy aging actors pretending to be teenagers in soaps or those modern day eunuchs in boy bands who would never get anywhere with real women). So fancying Prince William was a laudably sensible thing to do.

Parents encouraged it too. Posters of him on teenagers’ bedroom walls meant they could let out a collective sigh of relief. 'At least she doesn’t fancy some coke snorting imbecile prancing about on stage like a gibbering idiot with a red hot poker shoved up his backside.'

Ready for a poker or two.

That’s why it was ok.

But that was ten years ago. Now that Prince William is a balding Prince Charles mini-me it is most certainly not ok to fancy him. Oh no. No siree. Not unless you could truthfully claim to fancying his dad and both his uncles, and if you did that I’d know you were lying, or mad, or both.

Fancy some of that?

All this 'we love Wills, isn’t he a Royal Hunk' nonsense touted in the press really gets my goat. It’s a load of baloney made up by right wing newspapers in order to sell copies of the Daily Mail.

Did they go crazy when Prince Edward got married? No.

Why? Because:

1. Nobody had heard of him.

2. He’s bald in an unattractive bald type way.

3. He picked his bride from the Camilla shelf.

So let’s take off those opaque-rose-tinted specs the press is trying to foist upon us and accept that Prince William should have married a few years ago when he was still arguably attractive. He no longer is, which, by the press’ own rules, is as good a reason as any not to care about his wedding.

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