EBAY AUCTION OF THE WEEK #01 (Orla Organ)

By Two Legs Good

It's hard to resist looking when someone shows you a picture of their organ and it's a bright canary yellow. Well, that's our excuse for checking out this eBay auction anyway.


The description isn't exactly enticing:

"It appears legs should screw in to the black case but I don't have the legs so they aren't included. The yellow plastic surround is loose (not screwed in, though there are some screws in the bag). There are what appear to be soldering iron burns in the yellow plastic surround. It appears the wooden switches may be the result of a repair job. The black case is tatty and the grill is damaged. I haven't plugged it in to test it."

Ummm... yeah...

So, the legs are missing, the case is a mess, and the grill damaged. The case doesn't encase it - and if you have the screws, why not screw it together? Those "soldering iron" burns look far more like cigarette-left-burning-while-playing burns.


And the "wooden switches MAY be the result of a repair job"? MAY? MAY? Nooo... I'm sure that after all the moulding making the case and keyboard, the Orla Organ Boffins thought "You know how we should finish this off for a truly professional look? Let's make some badly-fitting unfinished wooden switches - and just for fun, we'll leave off the nearby knobs and give vague indications of use with Dymo labels. But we'll keep the switch functions our little secret."



"I haven't plugged it in to test it." Oh really? You weren't even a little bit curious? You didn't think it might help sell it if you could definitely say it worked?

Apparently he'll "accept cash on collection". We don't think he should get his hopes up, do you?

Mind you, the auction for an Electronic Organ from this guy isn't the worst description he's got. He's selling a load of other really primo stuff... 2 Broken PC Power Supplies (How useful!) - a Faulty Goodmans 26" LCD HDTV Widescreen Television TV (Imagine the fun!) - an IBM PC DOS 6.3 User's Guide from 1994 (Thankfully, express delivery is available on that! Just in case you've been sitting at the DOS prompt for 17 years, wondering what to do next.) - a Faulty Compaq S900 18-19" CRT Monitor (Handy!) - a 33.6k/kb/kbps Data/Fax Dial Up Modem (Mmmm! Speedy!) - it all sounds like the worst ever prizes in an episode of The Generation Game where the winner committed suicide rather than take that crap home.

It doesn't end there though.

Our man has some other SECRET items for sale.

Some rusty sockets, 2 Vases, and A book.

There's no pictures for any of them, and hardly a word of description either. I guess by this time we must simply accept their word that these items are so wonderful that they need no description or pictures, we'll just take it as read that they're worth buying. Ever hopeful, he will still accept cash on collection. But other than that, they're mainly mysteries.

The "Some rusty sockets" are of "Various sizes and condition", but that's all most of us will ever know about them unless we spring the £10 for them that they're undoubtedly worth.


The "2 Vases" are "In fair condition". Not excellent, or even good, only fair. Well, what do you expect for £50? Certainly not a picture or description, eh?


The "A book" is the most intriguing. I mean, you might not know metric from imperial in your sockets, or tell your Tang from your Ming vases, but surely, SURELY, even if you can't take a photo of it, you can copy down the title of the book you're trying to sell for £150? Just how lazy is that? All we're told is that "More information and a photo will be added soon". With only a day to go on that, he's cutting it a bit fine.


Perhaps, given the quality of the other items he's selling, he's worried that the British Museum have spotted him and are prepared to swoop to recover these long-lost fine art treasures.

Well done, kitrule, take a bow - your auctions win our first "Ebay Auction Of The Week".

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RANSOM DEMANDS #1

By Two Legs Good

On Saturday, the 26th, we got a card from the Royal Mail telling us they were holding a letter we'd been sent to ransom, demanding we pay £1.19 because the "sender didn't pay full postage".

There's no way of telling who it's from or what it is so you can decide whether it's worth paying - all you can do is pay. It's like a kidnapper telling you he's kidnapped both your kids, killed one and will let the other go for a fee, but won't tell you which he killed. Without knowing if it's the one you liked, how do you know if it's worth paying up?

So we took the risk and paid up, and today, the 29th, it got delivered. It was a flimsy brown envelope 254mm by 176mm, with a standard 2nd class stamp on it and a single sheet of paper inside. Apparently, that makes it a "large letter" by 14mm and 9mm respectively. Less than a fingers' width in either direction, that's how nit-picky they've become.

(Seriously, that's worth charging an extra 19p for? What for, the extra steroids the postie needs to lift that extra 2g of paper? The eye-dropper-worth of extra petrol to transport it on it's journey of less than 2 miles?)

Of the £1.19 ransom, 19p was for unpaid postage, and the other £1.00 was a "handling fee". That's a £1 fee over and above the 51p they've already had to deliver the letter, for the benefit of delaying the delivery by an extra 3 days.

Inside we found a letter dated the 17th, telling us we had an appointment on the 24th. By the time the Royal Mail issued their ransom demand, the letter was already irrelevantly too late.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how annoyed do you think we are?

It's stuff like that though that contributes to the constant drip, drip, drip that makes modern life seem so shite.

Seriously, sending appointment details by 2nd class so it doesn't get to you in time? Wrong postage for envelope? Nitpicking over millimetres? 3 days to collect 19p and give you a letter, and charging £1 for that "service" when the postie could have knocked the door and got 19p in cash?


We are standing on the shoulders of giants, but most of us are scared of heights and hurling ourselves suicidally towards the ground.



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A NICE BIT OF STONE-CLADDING ©™ - Part 4

By Two Legs Good

"DONALD!!! When you said you were going to recycle the crazy paving driveway this is NOT what I had in mind!"



Seriously though, was there not a point where whoever was doing it thought "Hold on a minute... this isn't looking as good as I thought it would!"?

How bad must it have looked before this, that this is an improvement?


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PLEASE FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE

By Two Legs Good


Oh, so many questions...

...but let's start with how do they fit in the hairdriers?


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INEVITABLE LIBYAN NO-FLY ZONE POST #2

By Two Legs Good

Usually the UK Government gets criticised for not providing the armed forces with the right equipment at the right time. Well, this time we can be prepared, and for the bargain price of just £1.99, yes, just £1.99!

As you can see, it's usually marketed to SWAT teams, but for implementing a no-fly zone, what could be better than the Wacky Presents Fly Gun?







(And no, we're not quite sure why they thought Freddie Mercury would help sell these either.)

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INEVITABLE LIBYAN NO-FLY ZONE POST #1

By Two Legs Good




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CAR 57, WHERE ARE YOU?

By Two Legs Good




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THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON'T THEY?

By Two Legs Good

I see Camilla's pulled out of going to Cheltenham today, due to illness.

Shame, I was going to stick a fiver on her in the 3:20 Queen Mother Champion Chase.



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COFFIN FITS

By Two Legs Good

I had to take my wife to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up some medication. I parked just outside, which is opposite a funeral parlour, behind one of their vehicles. After a minute, one of their guys asks if I can move my car back a bit to give them some more room, so I did.

Then four guys come out of the funeral parlour carrying a coffin. The traffic stopped while they crossed the road, and put it in the back of the hearse. After about a minute's discussion, they take it out, stop the traffic, cross the road, and go back in again.

A minute or two later, out they come again, carrying the coffin. They stop the traffic, cross the road, put the coffin in the back. There seems to be a bit of an argument, then they get the coffin back out, stop the traffic, and carry it back over into the funeral parlour.

Then it happens a THIRD time - carrying the coffin, stop the traffic, into the back, a more heated argument, get it out again, stop the traffic, back over the road into the funeral parlour again. This time I got out and asked one of them what they were up to.

"Re-hearsals", he said.



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